A reaction on a theme: miscarriage, child-loss, still birth

Depending on the circles you travel in, you may have seen this blog post floating through your news feed on Facebook:

I’m not going to lie – it’s taken me at LEAST a week to read all of this post. The first few times it appeared in my news feed I skipped it entirely, a couple more times I opened it and read a paragraph or two, but finally I’ve read most of it.

As a mother with three babies in Heaven, a son and a daughter who are both named and discussed in our family, and another baby we never new long enough to name but is still a child of ours. Let me tell you some of the things mentioned in this post that I heard outright some word for word, some a variation on the theme:

“An aborted baby could have been the next Einstein or Bach or Mother Theresa. A miscarried baby was probably damaged goods.”

“An aborted baby was killed against God’s design. A miscarried baby fulfilled God’s plans.”

“An aborted baby was a real person, and should have the rights as such. A miscarried baby was not a real child — naming them really is kinda weird. Speaking of weird . . . counting them in the line-up of your children? THAT’S weird!”

“An aborted baby should always be missed in this world. God had created them for a purpose, no matter what health issues they may have had. A miscarried baby was meant for heaven — and we moms should just be so thankful we have a baby in heaven, and should not grieve the loss of their place on earth. After all, they never TRULY had a place on earth, did they?”

“An aborted baby could never be replaced. A miscarried baby can always be replaced — “Oh, don’t worry, hon — your time will come again. You’ll have more. Just relax and trust God. You’ll see.”

“An aborted baby’s mom should know exactly what she’s missing out on if she has living children. A miscarried baby’s mom should not grieve that loss, but instead, should just be thankful for the lives of her living children.”

I’m not even joking friends. People, some close friends, some perfect strangers, have straight up said these things to me. Some of them while I was STILL IN THE HOSPITAL!

Chris and I have walked this path in a way that others tell us is very different.  We have chosen to celebrate our children while also mourning their loss.  We are open and transparent in our hurt, in our joy, in our journey.  None of that means that you get to

1) tell me that my child is less a person because they never took a breath

2) tell me that I shouldn’t name my child because they were delivered already in heaven

3) tell me that I don’t get to grieve the same way someone else does because their “real” kids have died and my baby never lived.

4) tell me that even though I can no longer have kids there is always adoption so there is still hope that we can continue to expand our family.

5) tell me that the lives of the children already in heaven are any less important than Inaras, that I should grieve them less or consider them lesser because they were delivered into the hands of The Father instead of their father.

6) you sure as shooting don’t get to tell me it was probably for the best, that there was probably something WRONG with my child!

Most importantly

under absolutely zero circumstance

will I EVER

EVER

allow you to take my loss

or the loss of any other parent

and turn it into a political action point.

It isn’t often that I comment on things like this, but let me just tell you.  Taking the photos of a persons angel and pointing out that this is what another woman is choosing to abort is wrong.  It is just plain WRONG – and I will call you on it.  I have held my babies, I have named my babies, I have loved my babies.  All my babies are my kids, and I know other parents who feel the same.

I will never ever wish for someone else to walk even a single step in my shoes, but there are times that I do wish people would stop, and look around before they open their mouths.  Sometimes I do wonder after a family experiences a loss if it makes them realize that things they may have said or done in the past were extraordinarily hurtful not helpful.  Sometimes I wonder if the people who have said these things to me will ever realize that they have only heaped coals on a fire of fierce pain.  That they have ripped off a scab that has taken YEARS to develop on a wound that will never be healed in this life.

I value this one woman, and her honesty, and bravery in calling people to the carpet.  I value that others are reading her words and taking them to heart.  I just wish more of the shares I see on Facebook were because they wanted to offer help and healing and not because they wanted to point out the flaws of society.  No one will ever ever understand the pain and hurt that happens when a life is lost until it is their own child, and as I said I won’t wish that on anyone ever.

However, I’m just saying, there’s a way to be a person…

Hard lemons

Sometimes it’s hard to chose joy.

Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the good.

Sometimes it’s hard to find the silver lining.

Sometimes it’s hard not to break down and cry.

Sometimes it’s hard to rejoice in any circumstance.

Sometimes it’s hard to make lemonade from life’s lemons.

Sometimes it’s hard not to grumble, and complain, and whine.

Sometimes it’s hard, just plain hard.

Sometimes it’s hard to find the balance.

Sometimes it’s hard because there is no balance.

Sometimes it’s hard to face down the giant because you can’t see God standing behind you.

Sometimes it’s hard to not throw your hands up and quit.

Sometimes it’s hard not to wallow.

Sometimes it’s hard to be vulnerable and transparent, because you feel like all you have to say is complaining about something.

Sometimes it’s harder to be open and honest because the good feels like bragging.

Sometimes it’s hard to rejoice in the little stuff when all you can see is the big stuff that stinks.

Sometimes it’s hard because you lose sight of the focus.

Sometimes it’s hard because thats exactly what you need, and where you need to be.

Sometimes it’s hard not to grab someone by the shoulder and shake them because you can see exactly what there problem is and why don’t they just fix it already.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the plank in your own eye because you’re focused on the speck of dust in someone else’s.

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, when to say it, or when to just keep quiet.

Sometimes it’s hard because it feels like your body is working against you.

Sometimes it’s hard because it feels like everything is against you.

Sometimes it’s hard because you feel like you’ve lost it all.

Sometimes it’s hard because you have.

Sometimes it’s hard because you just want to rest, but God’s not finished with you yet.

Sometimes it’s hard simply because it should be.

 

The next day

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

“God never gives us more than we can handle”

Words I’ve heard, we’ve all heard, hundreds of times.

I’ve even said them, and I’m sure you have too.

But lets be honest

It’s crap

Also, the phrase “he/she/they have the patience of Job” I think anyone who’s ever said that hasn’t ever actually read the book of Job.

All the time, God gives us more than we can handle, all the time.  The bible does tell us that we will never be tempted beyond what we can endure, but it promises trials, it promises tribulation, it promises hurt.

Paul wrote in Corinthians that “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.” (2 Cor 1:8) Paul himself.  the great and mighty Paul.  The great missionary himself, who told us to rejoice no matter our circumstances, and wrote what feels like half the new testament from his jail cell.  That’s the guy who said they were under so much pressure they wanted to die it was so beyond what they could endure.

Here’s the thing though

In the very next sentence Paul goes on to say “this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God” (2 Cor 1:9)

God gives us more than we can handle but never more than HE can handle.  How’s that for a bumper sticker for you.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

Pure joy

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

Glory

Not only will God give us more than we can handle so that we learn to rely on him rather than ourselves, through His scribes we are told in James and Romans to consider it pure joy and to glory in our sufferings and trials.

And then we go back to Paul “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4)

Rejoice ALWAYS, consider trials pure joy, glory in suffering

Talk about trial by fire.

Personally after days like yesterday, and yes there are still many, I’m with the Psalmist:

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Psalm 13:2

Yes Lord, how long – how long will I wrestle with the sorrows of my heart?

The answer

“the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deut. 31:6)

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Heb 13:8)

‘this happened so that the works of God might be displayed” (John 9:3)

 

 

Hurt

Ever have one of those days where you just want to go sit on a friends couch and cry into a cup of tea?

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Right now I just hurt.

Not “pity party” type hurt, but genuine I’m sobbing at my computer screen in the middle of the afternoon as I type this hurt.

I can’t tell you why exactly, but I do.

Toby’s birthday is next week and I know that’s part of it.  Seven years since our life flipped upside down and inside out.  Seven years of hurt, and guilt, and pain, and anger, and remorse, and confusion, and knowing it’s not my fault but having to remind myself of it.  Seven years since part of me went on to Heaven without the rest.  Seven years of everything.

All I know is right now I want to feel comforted, while at the same time not having to explain why.  Not having to talk it out.  Just being aloud to just be.

Word of Mouth: Product Love

Every now and then you stumble across something that you totally love and want to tell the world about – that’s how I feel about the following.  Just wanted to share the love.

Here in SA we have HARD water, and our house is not equipped with a water softener.  This creates a whole host of challenges for me, but one of the biggest (and most unforeseen honestly) was how fast it made our toilet dirty.  Seriously, if I wanted a shiny white toilet bowl I need to clean it every day, otherwise mineral build up happens fast and looks AWFUL!

Well, long story short, I’m not an every day toilet bowl cleaner kind of gal, which means through the years I’ve tried LOTS of stuff to both keep my toilet clean, or when that (obviously) didn’t work, to get the build up off and get it clean.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, out there worked to get hard, nasty, stuck on build up off like the BathStone from EarthStone

I looked at this so many times in the isle at the grocery store, had it in my cart and put it back, and now I could kick myself for not getting it sooner.  I couldn’t help but wonder how a block of pumice wouldn’t scratch my toilet and then make the problem worse, or that I’d be there scrubbing for hours and make no difference.  Oh my was I wrong.  I love that this is all natural, involves ZERO chemicals or other cleaners in the process, doesn’t harm the toilet, and most of all WORKS and fast.  Even after the worst of the nasty build up the BathStone gets the bowl clean and sparkling in no time, and a single cleaning block lasts for LOTS of uses

Down side, I still have to clean it all.the.time to keep it that way – or at least I used to…

Another product I looked at and didn’t buy several times.  Now I always have a package in my cleaning box.  The only two cons I have regarding the product: 1) it’s scented, I really don’t like my bathroom to smell like “fresh scent” all the time (I prefer it not smell like anything but if it has to, I’d rather it be citrus or something less chemically smelling) 2) there is now always a big blob of chemicals in my toilet.  Thankfully I don’t have small kids who play in my toilet or pets that drink out of it, but since I really really  try and stay away from non-natural cleaners completely having a big blob of chemical in my toilet is pretty gross to me.

On the other hand, my toilet now sparkles and shines all the time with almost no work from me., thats a victory in my book however it comes.

The other thing I can’t stop singing praises for has nothing to do with bathrooms or cleaning, and will actually save you money.  Let me tell you about my new friend Plan To Eat…

So, Pinterest is great, I love pinterest, and I have 25 boards devoted to food, menu planing and kitchen/food tips.  However, I almost never cook from those boards because they are scattered about (despite my best efforts to organize them) and I have to go to that many different sites to print the recipes etc. etc. etc.

Well, not any more.  Plan to Eat lets you input recipes from all over the web (or manually type in your family favorites from cookbooks you own, and recipes you’ve made yourself etc.) and it collects them in one spot that is easy to navigate, organize, print recipes from, and you can share with “friends” on the site as well.  But wait there’s more (lol) they also have built in drag and drop menu planning, and then the menu you build generates a shopping list.  That shopping list can also be customized to include household goods and pantry staples that wouldn’t otherwise self generate so you can print one list from the site (or access it from your internet capable mobile phone etc.).  Seriously I am in LOVE!  Extra bonus, you can try it for free for 30 days before it charges you (although the $5 a month is totally worth it, and they also have yearly plans that make it less expensive) which gives you plenty of time to play around with it, import recipes, and decide if you love it or not.

Go give it a try (and when you sign up, add me as a friend user name: kaugomu)

I love it so much that I am slowly working on importing my hundreds of recipes from Pinterest and deleting them from my boards. 😀

 

Anything out there you’ve fallen in love with and want to share?

 

 

 

 

 

**Disclaimer, this post is not sponsored and these opinions are entirely my own.

Thursday and Sunday

Thursday is my hubbies birthday.  I am so grateful for Chris, and so grateful for God putting us together.  I’m excited to celebrate him, and love on him.  But, there is one deeply hidden thing that I am thankful for year after year after year – his Birthday is always days away from Mothers Day.

 

We are not big celebrators in this house.  We don’t make a big deal out of Valentines Day, St. Patrick’s Day, our Anniversary, our own Birthday’s, or many of the “minor” holidays.  We celebrate big for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Inara’s birthday, and for her on Valentines Day, but that’s about it.  And even those “big” celebrations tend to be small affairs compared to many other people we know.

 

We weren’t always like that though – so why the shift over the years.  Well, I wont lie some if it is simply budget, we cannot afford big to-dos on the budget God has given to us.  But the other side of it, with almost every holiday, somehow there is a hurt attached.  There are a lot of days with hurts attached when you’ve lost three babies.  There are a lot of moments with hurt, awkwardness, and random tears after the path we’ve walked the last seven years.

 

Mother’s day is hard for me, not only because it reminds me of all the babies I will never get to see or hold or watch, or giggle with this side of Heaven, but it reminds me that three years ago on Mother’s day I peed on a stick and it told me I was pregnant for the third time.  Which reminds me that a month later I had a miscarriage, and six months after that I almost died due to complications from my fourth pregnancy, and second still-birth.  All of which reminds me how many statistics I now represent and embody – non of which are good, or happy.

 

This, this is why I am happy that Thursday is Chris’ birthday, because this one day, allows me to focus on him and my love for him all weekend and push the hurt and tears and pain and awkwardness to the side at least for the most part, and celebrate him.

 

So, to my Mother in law who went into labor early 31 years ago – thank you for the amazing son you raised and that very special mother’s day you had that year.  And to God, who had the whole plan in His hands even then – thank you for bringing Chris to the world almost two months early – just so that almost 30 years later his birthday could be a comfort to me through all the hardships we’ve faced.

 

And to all my other friends and family out there with less than “normal” motherhood emotions headed into this weekend, please know that you are not alone, and you are loved.

 

An open letter to pastors {A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day}

Contentment

 

The Lord has brought me here, and left me.  He has lead me on a path I did not expect, nor would have chosen if the choice had been my own.  It took me a LONG time, years, to be at peace and find contentment in my life.  It took me a long time, and a lot of money, to learn how not to compair myself with others, or even my own dreams.  It took me great sacrifice to lay down the things of this world that I have wanted to badly and trust God to provide me with what I need instead.  The journey has been long, hard, painful, treaturous, and full of both darkness and imesurable joy.  I was finally at a place of happiness.

Then life happened.

Sometimes I have to look around and wonder if somewhere in the great kosmos someone decided to do a “remake” of the book of Job and cast me in the lead.

Over the last two weeks our family has had much to celebrate.  We welcomed a new sister to our bunch with much happiness and open arms.  We all got to see each other, and spend time together, and love one another.  Inara was a super star on our trip to Portland as far as travel, schedual upset, and overall mood.  We spent an AMAZING week in a beautiful part of the country enjoying some of my favorite weather.

Then we came home.

To the house and life that God has richly blessed us with.  In a city where we are surounded by friends that we love as dearly as family, and to our pets that for me at least are as precious as children.

And within 24 hours I felt my mood darken and my heart harden.

Why did we have to live here, in this place, with this heat, and the horrible allergies?  Why do we have to be in a home that is falling apart around us?  Why can’t I live near family, or trees, or rain?  Why can’t my daughter just behave?

What happened to my contentment?

Where did my peace go?

What is it that I’m striving for?

What is the real goal?

I could use prayer again my friends.  Prayers for peace and joy to come back.  Prayers to find contentment in the life God has given me.  Happiness in the mundain, grace with love.  Mostly, I could use a shift of focus and a softening of the heart.

Please God, help me to focus on your truth and love now and always.  Amen

Resolutions: cuz everyone else did…

This year I have very few resolutions, mostly because I still have a huge list of 101 things to do before July of 2012.

So really, I only have two goals for 2010, and I’d like to think they are readily attainable –

Get rid of it and add to it. :-p

I want to declutter my house, the whole blasted thing. Not that I can totally measure, but my goal is to get rid of half the stuff we own. In accordance with this Chris’ new years resolution was to let me. In the past, he’s always made a big deal about me asking before I toss stuff, so I’d stick in a box or pile for him to go through and he never would. So I’ve been given clearance to get rid of it. I expect to be making lots of trips to goodwill, children’s home drop centers, half priced books, and kid to kid, as well as making lots of piles in the front yard and putting it on freecycle as a first come first served basis.

Part 2

Get a baby. Ideally I’ve decided the stork is real and Chris breastfeeds. Realistically I’m working on emotionally readying myself for 9 months of nausea, vomiting, soreness, leaky bladder, and eventual restlessness and the inability to get comfortable. Oh, and quite possibly horrible acne if it’s a boy. After that I know comes sore breasts, sleep deprivation, and possible PPD, oh and possibly another C-section and the pain and healing that goes with it physically and emotionally. (on a side note, I’ve just decided that instead of the current methods of stress interrogation, they should simply impregnate suspected terrorists then make them deliver without drugs and breast feed for 6 weeks – I bet we’d get all the answers that we wanted. And women the world over would rejoice because it would mean men could carry and deliver babies – thus evening the playing field). This is all just the normal stuff that goes along with pregnancy, childbirth and infancy for me, and includes none of the bonus baggage related to the late term loss of an unborn child. Maybe now people will begin to understand why I haven’t rushed into having more kids despite wanting them for years now. It’s not a fun thing for me – at all – to be pregnant. I’ve decided that any woman who “enjoys” being pregnant is either a bold face lier or delusional. I’m just laying it all bare here.

Along with Part 2, Chris and I have talked and are plowing into research into fostering to adopt because the next child we add to the family after this, will have come from someone else’s’ body.

So, there you have it – my two huge goals and realistic expectations for 2010 (on top of the other list too!).

🙂

Nehemiah

Next week, my Interface woman’s bible study/mentor program starts again for the year. I am very excited by this, as I really enjoyed the study last year. I’m also excited because we are studying three book, Nehemiah, Esther, and Ruth and Esther and Ruth are two of my favorites. I’ve never read Nehemiah before, but I can tell already that I think it’s going to be a great book for me and might start to really challenge me and the way I’m living my life.

The way Interface works (for the few of you who don’t know) is that we are given a chapter (sometimes half sometimes more) to read each week from a specific book of the Bible. Since we are starting in Nehemiah this semester, our first chapter is Nehemiah 1 then next week will be 2 then 3 etc. When we finished this we’ll move onto Esther then Ruth. As we focus on each chapter each week, we really dissect the text using homiletics and then answer 5 questions regarding lessons we learned, things that really struck us in the text, and the characteristics of God that we see in the passage. It really forces you to dive into the text and study it thoroughly. You also have to select a verse (or more) to memorize each week from the chapter, and an action to focus on changing as well.

Yesterday I received all my materials for the year, got my binder ready (I’m going to post on that over on my other blog later – I am in love with the way I decorated it) and started readying to prepare Nehemiah 1 for our first week next week. It usually takes me a couple times through to find a verse that I like enough to memorize, but right off the bat, I was struck by Nehemiah 1:4 “When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned, and fasted, and prayed before the God of Heaven.”

When was the last time in my life I was honestly struck by something this hard. Struck in a way that caused me to stop in my tracks in earnestness. Caused me to weep, and pray, and cry out to God. When was the last time I let me myself be enveloped by raw emotions?

About a month and a half ago, my best fried Lexi’s Grandpa died. She called me at some unknown hour of the early morning (5 maybe) to tell me. I was struck with grief yes, but more for her and her family and the pain they were facing. I’d known Grandpa personally for years, yet I wasn’t overcome with emotions. My first actions were to call mom and get her, and her girls, and the Church praying, not bad actions, but not personal ones either.

This verse made me take pause, and realize, that after my initial grief in Toby, I seared my own heart, I didn’t ever want to feel like that again, so I’ve stopped letting myself feel. As a result, I’ve realized that not only do I not let myself feel the pain, but I often don’t let myself feel the joy in life either. I don’t live in the moment, I focus too much on “getting it done” on meeting the expectations or the milestones. I get more upset at Inara asking to play and read books for hours on end because it doesn’t let me clean, or do the laundry, or check my email. What are those things compared to my own Daughter? In trying to “find a balance”, I’ve lost site of the focus and the big picture.

In finding my memory verse, I also found my action.

The end of this season, the start of the next

To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

We have been blessed for a season with the amazing friends God sent our way in Mike and Jen and their two girls Gabriella and Adelynn. When we first met Mike and Jen, Gabriella was 2.5 – this past March she turned 5 and I can’t believe the time has gone so fast. As couples we’ve seen each other through many good and bad times and as friends we have grown close to one another and to God. I continue to be amazed watching this family and the love and faith they have for one another and in God and the passion with which they tackle everything thrown their way. I find it so difficult to believe that in 2.5 years they have not only found a church, become believers, been baptized (which we were again blessed to be witness to) had a baby, dedicated that baby, and pointed their lives so fully in the way of the cross. Mike knows more about the bible and has much more dedication to the Scriptures in his life than I have in mine, and I’ve been a believer since I was 8! I’m not sure what that says about me, but it does, I hope, make the understanding of their deep thirst for righteousness clear. Seriously, they are an amazing family and we have been so blessed by them and because of them.

However, as happens with military family’s they will be moving on from San Antonio in only a few short days. I cannot even begin to describe the ache in my heart because of this – suffice to say I am sobbing as I write this with tears streaming down my face. I hope they understand the fullness of how deeply they will be missed by not only Chris and I, but Inara too. They were her first baby sitters, and the only couple still that she is readily comfortable with. She loves their girls and she and Gabriella could play together for days I think.

It’s one thing to be able to explain this to Mike and Jen and have them understand, but how do you say goodbye to a five year old without having her see the fear and hurt in your eyes while reassuring her that El Passo will be fun, and she’ll make lots of great new friends, for her not to worry?

You buy her things of course! The trip to El Passo is being made by car, and I knew that Mike and Jenny would appreciate a little piece and quiet from the backseat along the way – even if only for a few minutes here and there. So – instead of showering Gabriella with noisy toys (as would only be fitting seeing as how one of Inara’s most obnoxiously noisy toys is a hand me down from them) we went with a quiet car bundle.
Cthulhu even consented to posing by it to give you an idea of the size. Actually he wanted to know why I was blocking a large sun patch in the front window and wouldn’t move when I wanted to take pictures.
The tote bag is a cheery shade of bright yellow with a hand stenciled G painted on the front with a matching red bow sewn onto one handle.
What’s in this thing you ask? Well, let me show you!There are two coloring and activity books, a crayon roll (that’s the thing with the monkey fabric) that I made, and an I Spy pillow (these are the coolest things ever!) and a really cute crocheted and stuffed Elephant (Gabriella’s favorite animal).
Everything is handmade (except the coloring books and the actual crayons (which are of course Crayolas and smelled so good as I was putting them in the roll)) with the Elephant (who’s name is Chase – how cute is that) and I Spy pillow coming from Etsy and the Crayon Roll and Bag (I bought the bag and did the embellishments myself) from my craft area.

I hope that she likes it, and it allows a bit of fun in the backseat without bothering Mike and Jen. I even requested the I Spy list be in pictures instead of words since she is still only learning to read and that way she wouldn’t have to ask what everything said.

Good luck in El Passo guys, we are praying God’s blessing upon you, your move, and your new home, and above all else, Mike’s health and safty under God’s protection when he is deployed next year.

We love you guys!