A reaction on a theme: miscarriage, child-loss, still birth

Depending on the circles you travel in, you may have seen this blog post floating through your news feed on Facebook:

I’m not going to lie – it’s taken me at LEAST a week to read all of this post. The first few times it appeared in my news feed I skipped it entirely, a couple more times I opened it and read a paragraph or two, but finally I’ve read most of it.

As a mother with three babies in Heaven, a son and a daughter who are both named and discussed in our family, and another baby we never new long enough to name but is still a child of ours. Let me tell you some of the things mentioned in this post that I heard outright some word for word, some a variation on the theme:

“An aborted baby could have been the next Einstein or Bach or Mother Theresa. A miscarried baby was probably damaged goods.”

“An aborted baby was killed against God’s design. A miscarried baby fulfilled God’s plans.”

“An aborted baby was a real person, and should have the rights as such. A miscarried baby was not a real child — naming them really is kinda weird. Speaking of weird . . . counting them in the line-up of your children? THAT’S weird!”

“An aborted baby should always be missed in this world. God had created them for a purpose, no matter what health issues they may have had. A miscarried baby was meant for heaven — and we moms should just be so thankful we have a baby in heaven, and should not grieve the loss of their place on earth. After all, they never TRULY had a place on earth, did they?”

“An aborted baby could never be replaced. A miscarried baby can always be replaced — “Oh, don’t worry, hon — your time will come again. You’ll have more. Just relax and trust God. You’ll see.”

“An aborted baby’s mom should know exactly what she’s missing out on if she has living children. A miscarried baby’s mom should not grieve that loss, but instead, should just be thankful for the lives of her living children.”

I’m not even joking friends. People, some close friends, some perfect strangers, have straight up said these things to me. Some of them while I was STILL IN THE HOSPITAL!

Chris and I have walked this path in a way that others tell us is very different.  We have chosen to celebrate our children while also mourning their loss.  We are open and transparent in our hurt, in our joy, in our journey.  None of that means that you get to

1) tell me that my child is less a person because they never took a breath

2) tell me that I shouldn’t name my child because they were delivered already in heaven

3) tell me that I don’t get to grieve the same way someone else does because their “real” kids have died and my baby never lived.

4) tell me that even though I can no longer have kids there is always adoption so there is still hope that we can continue to expand our family.

5) tell me that the lives of the children already in heaven are any less important than Inaras, that I should grieve them less or consider them lesser because they were delivered into the hands of The Father instead of their father.

6) you sure as shooting don’t get to tell me it was probably for the best, that there was probably something WRONG with my child!

Most importantly

under absolutely zero circumstance

will I EVER

EVER

allow you to take my loss

or the loss of any other parent

and turn it into a political action point.

It isn’t often that I comment on things like this, but let me just tell you.  Taking the photos of a persons angel and pointing out that this is what another woman is choosing to abort is wrong.  It is just plain WRONG – and I will call you on it.  I have held my babies, I have named my babies, I have loved my babies.  All my babies are my kids, and I know other parents who feel the same.

I will never ever wish for someone else to walk even a single step in my shoes, but there are times that I do wish people would stop, and look around before they open their mouths.  Sometimes I do wonder after a family experiences a loss if it makes them realize that things they may have said or done in the past were extraordinarily hurtful not helpful.  Sometimes I wonder if the people who have said these things to me will ever realize that they have only heaped coals on a fire of fierce pain.  That they have ripped off a scab that has taken YEARS to develop on a wound that will never be healed in this life.

I value this one woman, and her honesty, and bravery in calling people to the carpet.  I value that others are reading her words and taking them to heart.  I just wish more of the shares I see on Facebook were because they wanted to offer help and healing and not because they wanted to point out the flaws of society.  No one will ever ever understand the pain and hurt that happens when a life is lost until it is their own child, and as I said I won’t wish that on anyone ever.

However, I’m just saying, there’s a way to be a person…