Next week, my Interface woman’s bible study/mentor program starts again for the year. I am very excited by this, as I really enjoyed the study last year. I’m also excited because we are studying three book, Nehemiah, Esther, and Ruth and Esther and Ruth are two of my favorites. I’ve never read Nehemiah before, but I can tell already that I think it’s going to be a great book for me and might start to really challenge me and the way I’m living my life.

The way Interface works (for the few of you who don’t know) is that we are given a chapter (sometimes half sometimes more) to read each week from a specific book of the Bible. Since we are starting in Nehemiah this semester, our first chapter is Nehemiah 1 then next week will be 2 then 3 etc. When we finished this we’ll move onto Esther then Ruth. As we focus on each chapter each week, we really dissect the text using homiletics and then answer 5 questions regarding lessons we learned, things that really struck us in the text, and the characteristics of God that we see in the passage. It really forces you to dive into the text and study it thoroughly. You also have to select a verse (or more) to memorize each week from the chapter, and an action to focus on changing as well.

Yesterday I received all my materials for the year, got my binder ready (I’m going to post on that over on my other blog later – I am in love with the way I decorated it) and started readying to prepare Nehemiah 1 for our first week next week. It usually takes me a couple times through to find a verse that I like enough to memorize, but right off the bat, I was struck by Nehemiah 1:4 “When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned, and fasted, and prayed before the God of Heaven.”

When was the last time in my life I was honestly struck by something this hard. Struck in a way that caused me to stop in my tracks in earnestness. Caused me to weep, and pray, and cry out to God. When was the last time I let me myself be enveloped by raw emotions?

About a month and a half ago, my best fried Lexi’s Grandpa died. She called me at some unknown hour of the early morning (5 maybe) to tell me. I was struck with grief yes, but more for her and her family and the pain they were facing. I’d known Grandpa personally for years, yet I wasn’t overcome with emotions. My first actions were to call mom and get her, and her girls, and the Church praying, not bad actions, but not personal ones either.

This verse made me take pause, and realize, that after my initial grief in Toby, I seared my own heart, I didn’t ever want to feel like that again, so I’ve stopped letting myself feel. As a result, I’ve realized that not only do I not let myself feel the pain, but I often don’t let myself feel the joy in life either. I don’t live in the moment, I focus too much on “getting it done” on meeting the expectations or the milestones. I get more upset at Inara asking to play and read books for hours on end because it doesn’t let me clean, or do the laundry, or check my email. What are those things compared to my own Daughter? In trying to “find a balance”, I’ve lost site of the focus and the big picture.

In finding my memory verse, I also found my action.


7 thoughts on “Nehemiah

  1. I completely understand you when you say when you experience grief to such a profound level, you don't let yourself go there again and become numb to life (even after 15 years for me). I'm looking forward to IF too! Great post and thanks for being vulnerable.

  2. I've been meaning to tell you how proud I am of you! I've noticed (even though I am far away) a great change in you (scheduling, less facebook etc.) and I think it's awesome! I am so glad this study spoke to you this way because you will be a better mom, wife, daughter and woman having realized this. Dont beat yourself up when yo revert back to being unfeeling again (because it is likely to happen- you're only human), just pick back up and get back on the track, I can't wait to see what God tells you next…miss you Court=)

  3. I am touched by your transparency and honesty, Courtney. You are growing in the grace of the Lord and allowing Him to teach you and make you into the mom and wife and woman He knows you are. Sometimes the journey is tough and hurtful and other times it is one of great rejoicing and joy. Thank you for sharing what a lot of us can't put into words. You blessed me. I pray for you often and am so thankful for you to have such a wonderful group to interface with and grow with. I'm proud of you too for taking on MOPS as well. Keep on keeping on. Love, Donna

  4. Courtney,I loved our first meeting at Interface today. You came open and transparent and we all benefited from that. When one person is willing to share, it helps everyone open up. So, thank you! I am really looking forward to what God will do in all of our lives.Blessings,Nancy

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