Have you ever been on an airplane, flying off toward your destination, thinking about whatever you are traveling for, possibly getting excited over being so close to seeing loved family and/or friends, or maybe a much anticipated vacation, when suddenly you realize you’ve circled over the same scenery twice? Maybe the pilot comes over the speaker to say there is a delay in landing and air traffic control has placed you in a holding pattern. This hasn’t actually happened to me, but I know people who it has. I can only imagine how inner tensions start to get the better of you. Is there a problem with the plane? Did something happen at the airport? Will you be diverted to another airport? What if you can’t land? How will this change your plans?
What’s going to happen next?
That’s how I feel right now. I feel like God has me, has my family, in a holding pattern. I wonder often if there is something I’m supposed to be learning, something we/I should be doing differently, is there a problem I don’t know about yet, why does it feel like we’ve been here before?
What’s going to happen next?
Where is God taking us now?
Are we in the eye of a hurricane, or have we really come out the other side of the storm – for now? Is there more to come, or can we start rebuilding?
The weather is cooler here now, so I try and soak it up while I can. I’ve been spending lots more time outside especially in the mornings and the evenings. I’ve been letting the hens out to roam the yard scratching away for bugs and happily clucking away in the evenings. Mornings are spent listening to the world wake up and the day get started with a big mug of hot tea while the dogs burn off some energy chasing each other.
It’s time spent like this that my heart is full of longing for a quieter life, fewer/no neighbors, more space, and a bit more simplicity. A rural home surrounded on all sides with land not neighbors, less traffic, more garden.
I’ve had a familiar pang in my heart recently, a desire for more kids, for Inara to have siblings to play with, for a baby to snuggle, even sometimes for more noise and a bit more chaos.
I start to look online at foster, adopting, even surrogacy. I ask questions, I research, I dream, I wonder.
I know that God knows the desires of my heart. I know that He has a plan for me, for us. I just wonder what it is. Are these desires from Him or are they all mine. Will a day come when these dreams are reality, or will they always stay a dream? If these are things He wants for us, and He has planted these seeds, how much longer before movement is made toward those things? When will He provide a clear way for us to achieve these things?
If these aren’t the things He wants for us, then what does He want? Where is He taking us next?
Either way, I’m ready for the plane to land, or turn around and find another airport.