Who I am…

When I was in High School, Jessica Andrew’s recorded and released a song called “Who I Am”.  At the time, I liked it – it was catchy and I liked her voice – for some reason (maybe you can illuminate me) my mom really didn’t – can’t remember why.

This post has nothing to do with that song or the video – lol, it’s just what I think of every time I think of the phrase “who I am”.

A month ago, Chris and I gave our testimony in our ABF (Sunday School), shortly there after, I was listening to the radio and Mandy (one of the DJs in the morning) was talking about how her son had been given an assignment in school to write an autobiography – using the prompt “In order to know me, you must know this:__________”.  In a week and I half I will be standing in front of a room of 50-60 moms (all AMAZING women) and again giving my testimony at our annual MOPS Tea and Testimony.  All of this has had me thinking – “who am I”?

Let me start with – I don’t like the word “testimony” I think it sounds to “christiany”, which I suppose is not a bad thing, but it’s not my groove.  Instead I prefer the term “story” because honestly – thats what your testimony is, it’s the story of God in your life, which is a story I LOVE no matter what you life has been like.  Also, let me say, it’s taken them at least two (I think three?) years to convince me to get up in front of these women to share my story.  I’m really intimidated by it honestly – much more so than I was in our ABF.  I think it’s because my story is a hard one, the path God has lead me on has been full of a lot of downs in the last years – but that’s not how I want people to hear my story.  I want my story to be filled with joy and hope and love – because thats how I feel.  Could I hate life and hate God and be filled with miserable sadness and darkness – sure and I think some people would not begrudge me that, it’s been a crappy life.  But, I’m not because I have the confidant hope of the Holy Spirit within me.  That is the message I want heard when I talk – and I want it to be totally divinely inspired.  No pressure or anything lol.

So, let me just also say, I haven’t prepared AT ALL for my talk next week.  I have not a single note written down specifically for this.  I’ve been mentally writing for months, and I have the notes from mine and Chris’ talk, but nothing for this one.  I don’t know what my block is, but I just can’t seem to put anything down – maybe because I’m still not feeling the leading of WHAT I’m supposed to say, or even what my focus should be (other than the obvious)… It’ll happen…

The best thing though has been the prompt, “In order to know me, you must know this:__________” It’s had me thinking a lot, what do you need to know about me to really know me?

I love the color purple

 

I was born in Michigan

 

When I was in 2nd grade my dad moved to Ohio to live with his ill mother

 

When I was in 7th grade my mom and I moved to Ohio as well

 

I have one brother – he’s 9 years older than me and honestly that age gap has always prevented me from feeling close to him, but I do love him dearly and missed him A LOT when he went off first to college and then joined the navy when I was younger.  I’ve always been proud to call him my brother, and I’ve never been more proud then when he was in the Navy – it felt really good (and I’m still really proud of him, and my dad, and all the rest of my family) to say that he has served our country.  He is a roll model for me.

 

I’ve never told him any of this.

 

I resented my dad A LOT for years after we moved to Ohio, by high school it turned into downright anger.

 

Soon after I started college, my parents home was forclosed upon – we had to move again.  It made me “hate” my dad.

 

It took me YEARS to overcome that anger, resentment, and hatred and be able to love my dad again, but I do.

 

I met my husband online.

 

We dated long distance.

 

Sometimes, despite knowing our relationship is God ordained, I still wonder if I rushed into it or if it was the right choice – I might have, but it so was no matter what.

 

I have an obsession (some may call it embarrassing) with Harry Potter, and I find the world in those books and many of the words spoken to be truly magical and inspirational.  I went to more than one midnight release, both for the books and the movies.

 

I’m a closet nerd (maybe not so closeted as I think) I love Star Wars, Chris has gotten me into Star Trek, then there is the aforementioned Harry Potter thing, and many others.

 

I have rather liberal views politically – especially considering I am an evangelically Christian.

 

Politics and Parenting are two topics I RARELY EVER talk about with people whom I’m not VERY close to.  Mostly because my views are totally opposite of pretty much everyone else I know – I’m a hippy living in a conservative state, it’s rather suffocating some times.

 

I am a FIRM believer in doing whatever works for you – no matter what any one else says.  If it works for you and your family, and it isn’t harming anyone – do it!

 

I also think that we are far too judgmental of ourselves because we put others on pedestals we (nor they) could actually live up to. – ESPECIALLY as women.

 

In some parts of the world (even some states in the country depending on how you interpret the laws) I would be convicted of murder because I have had two still-births and one miscarriage.

 

I’ve never felt like more of a failure than I did when I lost our first baby.  I know that I didn’t do anything wrong, that I couldn’t have prevented it, but it still made me feel incapable of being a good mother or wife if I couldn’t even protect my son in the womb.

 

I harbor many other irrational thoughts like that which I have to fight back periodically.

 

I was born with unilateral renal agenesis – meaning I have an “absent” kidney.

 

I have a strong dislike of medical terminology. (absent, yeah, my right kidney just had a cold and called in sick the day it was supposed to be installed lol)

 

Unilateral renal agenesis affects approximately 1 in 500 live births

 

I love statistics

 

And quotes

 

And music

 

And the written language (particularly stories)

 

34,000 women in the US nearly die each year due to complications during child birth – that was me in 2010.

 

I should be dead – it is only by God’s mercy and grace that I am here, seriously, there is no other reason medically or anything – I’m a miracle lol.

 

I often write and speak in a “flow of consciousness” style – which is why I suffer from “word vomiting” often (meaning stuff just spills out of my mouth unchecked), and why, often I don’t make a lot of sense chronologically or almost any other “logical” order.

 

because of my missing kidney, I also had either a bicornuate or septate uterus – reproductive abnormalities are also common in females born with unilateral renal agenesis.

 

Because of my mal-formed uterus, it was extremely difficult to carry a pregnancy to term.

 

1 in 4 women will experience some sort of pregnancy loss, either miscarriage, still birth, or ectopic (tubal) pregnancy.

 

1 of my 4 pregnancies ended in a “spontaneous abortion” (another crappy medical term for miscarriage)

 

2 of my 4 ended in a still birth – 1 of which required funerary services and a death certificate.

 

I have a death certificate in my file of important paperwork, right in front of my daughters birth certificate, and behind my sons autopsy report.

 

I had a partial hystorectly before the age of 30

 

My uterus burst internally it literally exploded inside my abdomin, and no one noticed for up to three days.

 

Did I mention I should be dead?

 

After surgery, my husband told me I’d been hit by a bus.  I don’t remember this.

 

I had a dream that I was George O’Mally in the season five finally of Grey’s Anatomy when he gets hit by a bus.  I didn’t understand it then… then Chris told me about how when I was coming out of anesthesia he told me I’d been hit by a bus… amazing how the mind processes stuff right?

 

I have an amazing, beautiful, spirited, spunky, incredibly smart, sassy, active, daughter and I worry every day that something will happen and she too will be taken from me.

 

So – do you feel like you “know me” know?

 

Do you see why I don’t have a clue what I’m going to say in a week and a half…

 

I sew – sewing and crafting are theropy to me

I like to cook

I hate to clean – ESPECIALLY dishes

I love animals

I raise chickens

I also have cats and dogs

In the past we’ve had hedgehogs, snakes, a guinea pig, and a one eye’d gerbil named Captn one eye.

I’m really an introvert

I have a fixation with my crock-pots (yes, plural)

I LOVE tea

unsweet

hot or cold

no lemon

rarely with a splash of milk and a small pinch of sugar – only if it’s hot tea and it depends on the kind.

I can’t stand coffee – except for it’s aroma, love the smell HATE the taste

I love to serve people – behind the scenes

especially through food.

I like legos

I spend too much time online

I’m picky

and stuborn

I don’t shave my legs

but I do my armpits

I clean my face with oil – if I clean it at all

I ramble

I’m flawed (aren’t we all?)

I choose Joy

I don’t get the Duggers, seriously enough is enough?!  I’m also a little jealous…

My daughter just peed on the floor in the bathroom.  I find this supremely annoying!

I’m sure there’s more?

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4 thoughts on “Who I am…

  1. i laughed, i cried, i love you

    and i can’t remember why i didn’t like the song but i did enjoy listening to it while i read this.

    hugs – mom hugs, friend hugs, reassuring hugs, reaffirming hugs, sorrowful hugs, prayerful hugs, laughing hugs, tearful hugs, “vomiting words” hugs, but mostly just I LOVE YOU hugs now and forever.

  2. Thank you for this. It’s made me think a lot about who I am and who people *think* I am. They’re two different people – not because I’m living a lie, but because I feel that if I were to be completely honest about my past, I’d be judged by my more conservative brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is that to really *know* someone, you have to know past experiences who shape who they are today. I mistakingly tell myself that it doesn’t matter that I ran from an abusive husband (and ultimately divorced him) six years ago. It DOES matter – if I hadn’t been through that, if I had not even married my first husband to begin with, I’m convinced I wouldn’t be married to Michael today. I applaud you for being willing to share your story at MOPS next week, and I look forward to it. It’s not easy to open yourself up and “be real” with a group of people. I hope that through you, God will encourage me to be more open about what He’s done in my life and how He has shaped me through even my darkest hours.

    • Ora it all matters because you matter. and always remember the only judge you need to worry about loves you boundlessly, has already forgiven you (you should therefore forgive yourself) and is patiently waiting for you with arms wide open…..all of where you’ve been makes all of who you are. embrace your past, honor your decisions right or wrong – good or bad and hold God in your heart just as He is holding you in the palm of his hand. He is always the light in the scarry darkness.

  3. You bless my life and I love you. May God continue to bless and encourage you and keep inspiring you to share and love and forgive. All of His character is shining in you, His child. I’ll be praying for your sharing at MOPS. Wish I could be there.
    Love, Donna

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