Yesturday, after her Christmas party, I picked Inara up and brought her home from what (unbeknownst to her) was her last KDO. We made the decision, that the tuition was something that no longer had a place in our new budget, and was one of the easiest things to remove as we looked into 2012 and figured out how to pinch a couple more pennies.
I’ve been more than a little aware for the past week, and thinking about it a lot, that a year ago I almost died. It’s been a good year, a long year, a hard year, and a year filled to overflowing with more challanges and changes, but a year full of gratitude, and praise for all of lifes Blessings. It took a while, and I’m still not sure if it has, for the events of last December to sink in. It’s more than a little sureal at times when the truth hits me of how close I came to seeing Heaven on that operating table (or in the two days before). I have thanked God frequently for the chance to be here, to watch my little girl grow up, and to enjoy life and even to endure it’s struggles.
In August, after a lot of prayer, tears, and hard conversations, my midwife put me on medication to help control my out of control moodswings, depresion, and less than awesomeness. She diagnosed me with PMDD, and after adjusting to the medication, life really has improved. Part of me wishes I would have had the strength to do this years ago, it makes me wonder how much more of my life I would have enjoyed. I won’t lie, I remember being a high strung biatch in High School, massive mood swings, depresion, anxiety, agressive and stand offish. Until recently, I haven’t really enjoyed motherhood – at all. But in the last few months, I find it easier to laugh, to play, and to have fun with Inara, Chris and my friends. In fact, I find it easier to socialize in general. I am still intraverted, but a bit less painfully so.
Life has changed a lot in the last year, but slowly, over time, I’m adjusting to our new normal. With Inara being home all the time now again, it’s going to take another big adjustment for me. I’ll be rearanging our homeschool schedual, getting back to actually doing homeschool after floundering over the past month or so, and trying to figure out how to keep her occupied without us both going crazy every day.
I can’t help but laugh a little because, I know that 2012 is going to involve more change, more “figuring it out” and more twists in our journey when all I really would like is a little bit of flat straight road to meander along for a little while. However if that were possible, I know there would be no growth no development, and then I’d complain that life were boring. God has a way of knowing whats best for us, and in retrospect I know no matter how twisted, hilly, or rocky life has seemed, that God really does make our paths straight for us.
So – here’s to 2012, whatever it may hold. I hope to spend the last bit of 2011 enjoying my family, and my friends, and sitting in the quiet dark from time to time just watching the twinkle lights on our tree because still and simple is something I have truely come to appreciate. 🙂
Merry Christmas everyone and a New Year filled with all God’s glories!
PS – for anyone who may not have gotten it, I’m also including a copy of of Christmas card and letter if you wanted to see or read it. 🙂