Today, was awesome. I spent my day in the company of 7 other amazing women, and two super cute baby girls. Emotionally, I’m totally spent, in fact I’ve spent the last 10 minutes holding back tears – which I can’t figure out why they are crowding my eyes. But I’m also feeling more refreshed, and whole that I have in a while. It was so nice to get away, to not be “momma” for a day, not have to worry about the huge mess my house is, or any of the other frustrations in my life right now. To be in a safe, warm, encouraging space with other moms, who’ve been there – even if they haven’t been in the same place. I’m exhusted from having to coral my thoughts for the whole day – mental focus hasn’t been my forte lately either, but it was a lovely getaway too.
Through it all, and into tonight, I’ve really been thinking. Thinking about what I hope people will say about me, and what my personal mission statement is, who my role models are etc. It’s basically become truer and clearer that more than anything else, I hope to be an authentic, and transparent example of a Godly woman, wife, and mother. TO be real about life, it’s ups, it’s downs, and that apart from God I would be totally useless. For sometime now (more than a year I’d say) I’ve really felt challenged to portray me in a real and true way. I don’t want people to look at me and say “man, she’s got it all together, her life is perfect, how does she do it” etc… (not that I think they would) because none of those things are true. Honestly, I would hope that people don’t compare themselves to me, but I know that as a women, and especially as a mom, it’s something we all do. How do we measure up to our friends, our own mothers, and other just random women at the story time at the library. Sometimes we think we’re a step ahead, at other times we feel way out of our leagues. Sadly though, the worst part of it all, I think 80% (maybe more) we aren’t comparing ourselves to what reality is for those people. Whenever we go over to someones house everything is always perfectly decorated, clean, like a magazine spread and we feel like our houses are a mess, and we wish we had more money to decorate with. In reality, what we can’t see is that they spent the last two days working super hard, sweating like mad, and scrubbing floor to ceiling in order for it to get that way – or their cleaning lady just left an hour before you got there. If you were to stop by in the middle of the afternoon, on an average day, completely unannounced, that picture perfect house would probably look a lot like your own, with toys and books all over, Dora on the TV, and half naked kids running around screaming.
Am I saying that you shouldn’t try and have a clean home? No. Instead, I’m saying don’t hold yourself up to the picture perfect standard you see at a party because odds are it’s not a true representation of daily life.
What I want people to see, is my true representation (not that I don’t still want to get all dolled up and go out on the town, or clean the house top to bottom and have an awesome girls night out party at my place) and I strive to be open about the hand life deals me and the way I handle it (or don’t as the case may sometimes be).
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, or if I’m saying anything I’ve not already said before. It’s more just me verbally processing, and self affirming.
If I had to compare myself to anyone, I hope to one day be as good at this as she is…