More reality

I feel like I’m fighting, all the time.  Fighting with people, fighting with myself, fighting to stay upright, fighting to be social and not hide in a corner, fighting to get dressed, fighting to find motivation, fighting to put one foot in front of the other, fighting not to fight, fighting not to give in or give up.  We all know life hasn’t been easy, for a while now.  But the last couple months I feel like I ran full speed into a huge thick cement wall.  I know that I’m no fun to be around most of the time.  When I do go out of the house and have to be polite and social (church, the grocery store, whatever) I’m emotionally tired by the time I get home again.  I find myself with road rage and yelling at other drivers so much that I’m fuming when I pull in the driveway.  It takes me most of the morning to get out of bed and be un-grumpy enough that my husband and daughter are not afraid to be around me  I have zero motivation, ever.  I have desire and want to do things, but no motivation to make them happen.  Instead I get to a point where I’m so frustrated with myself for not doing said task that I plow through it almost angrily and certainly not with a happy heart.

 

I’m so tired of it all, so tired of being tired, so tired of being angry or afraid, so tired of hurting and hurting the people I love.  I’m tired of feeling broken.  Tired of going from all right to pissed off, or crying, or both in a heartbeat.  After some talking with Chris and a lot of thinking, I’m calling the doctor.  I’m going to ask for a hormone level check, thyroid work up, and also see my counselor.  Whatever is wrong with me, I want it fixed.  As much as I hate medication, if thats what it takes, thats what it takes.

Friends, I’m really torn with this, and feel empty and broken inside.  You’ve all been so good to pray for me, and with me through so much, but I have to ask again now.  Please, pray for the correct answers to be found, the right treatment to be worked out, and whatever it is, the right diagnosis.  Please, just pray for peace and love to surround our family, because I know that our home is not a happy one 90% of the time anymore, I know that damage is being done both in our marriage and in my raising of Inara, and I am so sorry for it, I hurt knowing that the people I love so much are who gets the brunt of my frustrations.

I know that God has a plan for us, and for me.  I know that He is in control, and that He will protect and provide like always.  Right now though, I feel so dark, alone and far away.  I feel stress, and hurt, and frustration, not love and peace and hope.  Ha, hope.  Hope is something I’ve not felt for a long time.  I know that blessings come from everything, and often in unexpected ways, but I’m really sick of standing in the rain, or waking through the desert.

 

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3 thoughts on “More reality

  1. *hugs* Know that we love you guys.. And Courtney, if you ever want to talk, call me. I’ve been there, and yes, it’s a horrible place to be. You have lots of people around you that will help you in any way that you ask. ❤

  2. I have been right where you are emotionally. It is dark and ugly there. I have not walked the same path, but I have arrived at the same destination. You are courageous to be be open about this and it will bless and inspire others. You WILL see the light. You won’t always be in this place. God is faithful. And he is big enough to heal any and all wounds…yours, Chris’, and Inara’s. There is no damage he can’t undo. Keep walking…putting one foot in front of the other. God doesn’t need anything from you. He is our Healer. He loves you just as you are.

    Parts of Psalm 40
    1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
    2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
    he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
    3 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
    Many will see and fear the LORD
    and put their trust in him.

    11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
    12 For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
    They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
    13 Be pleased to save me, LORD;
    come quickly, LORD, to help me.

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